I was talking to Shaun recently about my other blog and some of the important posts I have made there. My other blog doesn’t have much of an audience because it tends to be about more personal things. However, it is also where I started writing a lot about polyamory and atheism. When Shaun invited me to write here, I stopped writing about these things over there for the most part but I reference a few old posts often.
At his suggestion, I am reposting the only post I ever wrote there that I would consider remotely “famous”. Other than a moderate amount of page views (very small in the spectrum of actual famous bloggers), it served to help a lot of people understand why polyamory is right for me. This served as a coming out post and also a celebration of when Wes and I invited Jessie to move in with us.
This was also written almost a year ago, so I’m taking the opportunity to update where I see fit (new comments in italics). I hope all you new readers enjoy it!
“My Big House”, originally published in July, 2011
As I have mentioned in a recent post, I started this blog so that I could write intelligently and interestingly (and amusingly) about my life. I have had blogs in the past and was very honest in them about various things going on, but back then there was never anything I felt like I had to hide. Part of it was naivety…there were things about me that didn’t occur to me as overly strange or offensive that I offhandedly referenced, like my atheism. Who knew it was something so controversial? I missed that memo, but over the past several years I have learned differently.
But this post isn’t about atheism.
I have been struggling to write here because I had been leaving large chunks, very very important chunks of my life out, dancing around subjects, choosing not to tell hilarious stories because of life events or characters that are crucial to the punchline. I have left out important revelations from my happiness project because I wasn’t ready for the world at large to know everything. But that’s so silly. If you asked, I’d tell you in a heartbeat.
So, here we go: Wes and I are polyamorous.
What does this mean? It means that we are in love with and devoted to each other. We are completely committed to each other. Hell, we just got married and the law says that it’s a big pain in the ass for us to not be in a relationship together. We completely respect and care for one another. In short, we are in a relationship that you can understand.
Except we can also sleep with, date, love, respect, care for, become devoted to other people as well.
Many of you already know this, but I realized that there are many who do not. Our relationship has been of this form for a little over 2 years and we don’t particularly hide it, but I certainly don’t make a million Facebook statuses a day about it either. We have come out to our immediate families, but we didn’t go make a big announcement at Christmas. But it is most definitely a defining factor in our lives and to leave it out of conversation, or to leave out the intimate nature of some of our relationships is kind of ridiculous.
Wes has been dating a wonderful woman, Jessie (whom I have mentioned many a time on this blog) for a little less than a year. From the very beginning, she and I got along very well and while, at times, I resisted it, it was always clear that she could be integrated into our lives, both of our lives, beautifully. Insecurity and worries about what other people would think of me for being happy about her presence stopped me from embracing it immediately. I don’t break rules. I don’t walk on the grass when the sign tells me not to. But we have grown to be close friends and she has been practically living with us for a few months now. She was in our wedding. She spent a day with us at the beach during our honeymoon and it was possibly the most fun day ever. I realized that something I didn’t think I’d ever be ready for as a polyamorous person was something that I wanted. I love Wes and Jessie together. I love her being in our home and I found myself thinking how silly it is that she isn’t officially living there.
So, we asked her to move in with us the other day and she accepted the offer. So, here we are, adding a wonderful person to an already fabulous household. Our little suburban house just got a little bit bigger.
There is so much to say about all of this. Polyamory for me was something I wanted to do initially to purge myself of terrible emotions like jealousy and possessiveness. I wanted to do it because I believed that it would add to the longevity of our relationship. But what I found was that it added so much more to my life than I ever thought it could.
Some people believe that you only have a finite amount of love to give. Perhaps this is true for some people, but it is not true for Wes and it is not true for me. What I have found is that I have unlocked a capability in myself for more love. The communication in our relationship(s), the respect, rationality and caring that can be given seems limitless.
In short, I have gotten over so much of my shit, or at least, have learned how to deal with it in a positive way. I am so much closer to the person I want to be and everyday I get closer. I love myself more now than I ever have before and I owe it all to casting away convention and having an amazing partner to take the journey with.
I have recently started seeing someone who, in a very short time, has added a great deal of happiness to my life. He has a girlfriend who is absolutely delightful and brings me joy to be around. We are officially adding Jessie to the house for even more joy and 8 years ago I met the perfect man for me and married him a few weeks ago.
I think I often forget that all this wonderfulness happened around the same time last year. Now that it has almost been a year, I am so happy to report that I was not wrong about the continuing joy I would experience after this post. Jessie has lived with us for almost a year and no one has ever regretted the decision. Shaun and I are approaching a year of being together and each day brings us closer. We were already high-functioning polyamorous people back then but now…well, you read the blog. You know.
I have a career I actually like. On a regular basis I get to make awesome music with my best friend (and sometimes get paid for it) and produce entertaining and interesting theater. The old me would have been suspicious of all this. Who am I to be able to have such a wonderful life? I am flawed. I am imperfect. I struggle with emotions and can be crazed. I can be insecure and worry about how the world, how those close to me will judge me.
This last bit hasn’t changed. I still struggle with all of this, but it has always been completely worth it.
But this brings us back to that whole atheist thing I mentioned earlier. This is my life. It is the only life I have. When my body fails, I will disappear and all I will have had is this one charmed, miraculous existence and I refuse to do anything less than live it to the fullest. I want to share it. I want to love and revel in the positive things and get through the negativity rationally and with purpose. I want to continue to improve myself. I want to give of myself. I want to get over myself and all the silly things I hold onto when I am sleep deprived, dehydrated and feeling down. I want so much and I think I can have it.
30 has been one hell of a year.
31 hasn’t been too shabby either. If anything, I am more committed to making this life everything that it can be. Thank you to all who make me so happy to be alive. I wish that everyone could be so lucky.