Life is…life. No, let me not be so cynical. Life right now has a lot of good going on, despite the anger/sadness/anxiety party going on in my head here and there. Our burlesque show opened and has been going wonderfully well, and generally dancing around in awesome costumes and allowing myself great vulnerability amongst happy patrons has been exactly what I need at the end of the day. I often feel this way about Arcati Crisis shows. I have spent many a show getting my stress out with the power of rock.
I think I would have become “certifiably crazy” years ago if I didn’t have a very healthy and eclectic sense of humor and multiple artistic outlets. I have very bad days where I can’t seem to laugh at anything and I have zero inspiration for creative endeavors. Those days are the bleakest. But most days are at least peppered with moments where I laugh a lot to myself or out loud and where I have ideas for projects I want to do. Thank goodness.
The show yesterday was absolutely awesome (a blend of no technical problems and fun and appreciative energy from a fab audience). My final piece takes a lot out of me, as it is about peeling away the artificial layers in order to reveal the true version of myself…yes, I’m such a fucking artist. Stop rolling your eyes. Anyway, it is emotional and I haven’t been getting enough sleep. Long story short, I cried hysterically all the way home out of a sense of loneliness and loss and it was great. (Note: it was not great)
I have a lot going on and am in the process of making some difficult and life changing decisions to finally rise above the much and mire of my teens (I know…I probably should have done this, you know, in my teens, but whatever…better late than never). I’m also still dealing with that whole sexual assault thang and in the process of learning to think about myself as important and worthy of considering.
As you might imagine, this is not easy. So, you know, a competent therapist would be hella sweet right about now, but…GUESS WHAT? Apparently, therapists don’t check their voicemail for days at a time. And if they do, it doesn’t matter because they have no time for me, but they totally have some names of other therapists I can call and wait around for! Aren’t they helpful?!?
Dear therapists, I know you are busy because a lot of people need help and I am really happy that some of the stigma is lifting and people are coming to you for the help you need. But…I really don’t understand why it’s this hard to just get a call back from people. I know that my experience thus far is not a reflection of the profession as a whole, but what exactly am I supposed to think? Has therapy really been reduced to an “I know a guy” industry? I feel like my experience in finding a therapist has been similar to the search for a non-awful/cheating/unethical mechanic.
Look, all I’m saying is if you are going to insist that people call you and leave messages (because for some reason you don’t want people to email you), CHECK YOUR VOICEMAIL AND RESPOND TO PEOPLE IN A TIMELY GODDAMN MANNER. It’s not hard. But you know what is hard? Calling a hundred therapists and being treated like you’re just calling to shoot the shit or something.
I cannot say this enough: The process of coming to terms with the fact that you would greatly benefit from professional therapy is a hard one. If you’re like me, you think that you can do everything on your own and that you should leave the doctors and the therapists and the flu vaccinations and everything else to the people who had it the absolute worst. I am strong and can take the hit, so if you need this resource please don’t let me take it from you. This is me giving too much credit to my own privilege and ignoring how much I am hurting and all the stupid shit I believe. Does that sound easy to you? It shouldn’t and you should be pretty happy that I have gotten that far without you calling me or respecting me. But the process of actually finding a therapist should not be this hard. Picking up the phone is hard, but you shouldn’t have to keep worrying after you get the nerve to do that.
So yeah, I’m aggravated. I thank all the people who gave me recommendations. Perhaps it’s me or something though…because people either cannot see me or don’t want to talk to me (apparently). What I’m really good at finding are useless therapists who do more harm than good! So if anyone is looking for one of them, hit me up.
I know, I know, I’m sounding cynical again. Let me assure you that despite the fact that I am developing a general distaste for the therapy industry, I am actually making a lot of progress on my own (well, not strictly on my own…I have some pretty amazing people helping me on a daily basis and I can’t emphasize enough how grateful I am for their presence in my life now and for years to come). I am a different person than I was even a month ago and things that were hard for me to do before are getting easier and I am learning quickly how to be my own person in a way that others can see. I knew after my ridiculous therapy appointment a couple of weeks ago that this whole finding not-a-douchebag was going to be long and arduous, so I couldn’t wait around to start the work. So I’m getting there and I’m functioning well, even if I still have some meltdowns. It’s ok to have meltdowns. Things are upsetting right now but I’m living with it and showing it whose boss. Or something.
Soon I will write a great feminist triumph story that was a light in my life recently. So there’s that! But if you have a therapist you love and you are local, ask them if they have evening or weekend hours available and I’ll give them a call. I will keep calling. I will keep trying.
Keep moving forward.