Capitalization and Polyamory

Jana Lembke of NYmag.com has an article up about capitalization in relationships:

When something great happens in our personal lives, it’s exciting to share the event with people close to us. But at one time or another, you’ve probably disclosed some good news that wasn’t met with the degree of excitement or encouragement you had hoped for. It can be disappointing — even irritating — to expect someone’s ardent interest and get a lukewarm response instead. The process of telling others about our successes and getting a positive reaction is called “capitalization,” and research suggests it has major benefits for romantic relationships.

This concept reminded me of one of the reasons Gina and I decided to open up our relationship in the first place. There came a point, about five years into our relationship, where we realized that when the other had good news, instead of feeling positively, we got jealous instead. The typical example was a time when I got an unexpected day off from work. When I told Gina, instead of the active-constructive response I hope for, she got annoyed that she didn’t get a day off. I often reacted similarly when she got some unexpected benefit, thinking only of myself and failing to take joy in her good fortune.

When we talked about it, we realized that it was a toxic dynamic and we resolved to change it. From there, it was a direct line to polyamory. Once we realized that each other’s gain wasn’t our loss, monogamy no longer made sense. If we were able to take joy in a partner’s day off work, why couldn’t we take joy in a partner’s fun sexual experience? Or in a partner’s new relationship energy? Or in a particularly well-thought-out gift from another partner?

It wasn’t instantaneous of course. It took a lot of work and processing before we were able to stop thinking in terms of “fairness” or poly guilt and get to the point where we could feel real compersion. But it all started by realizing that capitalization was an important relationship skill, and that things that made each other happy should not be harmful to us.

Lembke also endorses the idea of making an effort:

Once you realize the importance of capitalization, there’s no reason not to make a conscious effort to do a better job of it. So the next time your beloved shares a personal success, remember that a heartfelt “congratulations!” goes a long way toward fanning those warm feelings that sustain relationship happiness.

It’s a lot easier to eliminate or mitigate sexual and romantic jealousy when we’re working to eliminate jealousy from all parts of our relationship. While jealousy tends to be stronger when it comes to sex and relationships, there are plenty of places where it can creep into our relationships. Making an effort to capitalize the small things can make it easier to be happy about the bigger things.

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