Don't Block the Exits
If you love someone, set them free
The following is the transcript of my closing editorial from episode 140 of my news podcast The Mind Killer. If you like it, please consider subscribing to the podcast
There’s a popular view of relationships whereby the only way they’re successful long-term is to put obstacles in the way of ending it. A twitter friend recently described it this way:
Blocking the exits is important, everything I’ve seen in life tells me that people mature at the rate they must, and the downside of having options is that you don’t have to fully cope with your separateness
This is a very common attitude. When people in popular culture talk about the keys to a lasting relationship, they talk about commitment. They act like it’s normal to want to leave your spouse and it takes extraordinary measures to stop you from doing it.
This sounds insane to me. Good relationships don’t work that way. Whether it’s romantic, employment, social, or otherwise, the most important thing in any relationship is to have healthy boundaries. The thing that makes something a boundary is that you’re defining for yourself what you will and will not put up with. You can’t have good boundaries if you don’t feel free to leave. Leaving is the ultimate recourse if your boundaries are not respected. You can’t have boundaries without it.
Far from creating good relationships, blocking the exits perpetuates bad relationships. When the exits are obstructed, people stay in relationships that aren’t good for them. They feel stuck. They feel like having boundaries isn’t an option. In my family law practice, you can’t imagine how many people I’ve met who felt like they were trapped in a life they didn’t want, but had no legitimate escape from. I’ve met very very few who ended things and later regretted it.
If people want to leave, there should be as few barriers in their way as possible. Some gentle encouragement may be appropriate to prevent people from making rash decisions or falling victim to "grass is greener" styles thinking, but overall the exits should be clearly marked and always available.