Just Ask People Out (for Women)
The following is the transcript of my closing editorial from episode 129 of my news podcast The Mind Killer. If you like it, please consider subscribing to the podcast
There’s a popular theory that when women tell each other to cut their hair short, what they’re actually doing is sabotaging each other. Women are consistently rated as more attractive with longer hair, so, the theory goes, when women say “you’d look great with short hair,” this is actually an intrasexual competition strategy - sabotaging your competitor so you look better by comparison.
I think that theory is bullshit. It’s much more likely that your heterosexual friend thinks you look better with short hair because she likes short hair. Of course she does! She likes men, and short hair is typically masculine! It’s the same reason why models are all stick-thin even though men overall prefer more curvy women. The models aren’t there to look good for men. They’re there to look good for women! And that’s what women think the ideal body is.
But there is a genre of Take that does function as female intrasexual sabotage, even if it’s not intended that way. I’m going to quote from a recent Substack post entitled “The One Thing Most Women Get Wrong About Dating,” but this is just an example. I’ve read dozens of variations on this all over the internet:
I had completely misunderstood the game I was playing. It was like signing up for competitive reality show—mentally preparing for obstacle courses, relay races, and high-stakes political maneuvering—only to realize I was not, in fact, a contestant.
No.
I was a prize on the prize shelf. My job was not to compete, strategize, or convince. My job was to sit on the prize shelf, broadcast to the right contestants that I was a great prize, and polish myself into the shiniest, most alluring prize possible.
The argument goes that as a heterosexual woman, your job is to attract men, and it’s the man’s job to approach you. If you subvert this by asking men out, you’re eliminating a key filter. The writer I just mentioned claims that the filter is men who are interested in you and willing to put in effort. I’ve also seen a variation claiming that the filter is courage. If you ask men out, you’re going to end up with a bunch of cowards who aren’t interested in you and aren’t willing to put in effort.
This is, of course, ridiculous. First of all, it’s a terrible filter. Sure, asking people out requires a bit of courage, some level of interest, and a willingness to put in some effort. But most of the time, the level of interest you’re talking about is very low. It’s usually superficial and doesn’t actually indicate any interest in you as a person. It just means the guy thinks you’re the hottest person he has a chance with in the next hour or two. And yeah, maybe he’s showing some courage, or maybe he’s just showing an abnormally high risk tolerance, which… I don’t know, is that what you want?
Second of all, if this is a good filter, that means that you, a person who refuses to ask others out, are a low-effort, uninterested coward. Why would any man want to ask you out?
More seriously, this kind of advice has sabotaged generations of women. There are 1,000 reasons why a man might decline to approach a woman. Maybe he knows that unwanted advances make people uncomfortable and he’s prioritizing your comfort. Maybe he just hasn’t noticed you. Maybe he thought you had a boyfriend already for some reason. Maybe he thinks you had too much to drink and doesn’t want to take advantage. Maybe he’s just not in that headspace right now.
If you wait around for men to approach you, you’re actually filtering for bad actors. I know this because I have a child, and I tell her that if her parents aren’t around and she needs help, she should look around, pick a random person, and ask them for help. This works because most people are super helpful to a little kid in need. If you ask a random person, you’ll almost always get someone who is willing to help or at least not going to hurt you. On the other hand, if you just sit there looking distressed, you’re going to attract people looking for kids in distress. Most of the time, those people are still honest, helpful people, but if there’s a predator around, they’re going to make sure they’re first in line to “help.” This dynamic absolutely plays out in the dating scene. The guys most likely to take advantage are always on the lookout, and are significantly more willing to approach a woman in circumstances where other men might hesitate.
So if you identify someone you want to date, or sleep with, or just think is cute, then for fuck’s sake, just ask them out. I know it’s scary, but courage is not just for men. Your refusal to do this means you are passing up endless opportunities to connect with people. Don’t let the gender essentialists tell you what to do here. Just ask people out. Your dating life will improve.