Just Eat the Fucking Cucumber
Jealousy is bad for you
The following is the transcript of my closing editorial from episode 127 of my news podcast The Mind Killer. If you like it, please consider subscribing to the podcast
In 2014, a researcher named Frans de Waal did an experiment to test how animals reacted to unfairness. He put two capuchin monkeys in cages next to each other and had them hand the researcher a rock in exchange for a piece of cucumber. They did fine, and were happy to eat the cucumber reward. Then they had one monkey continue to get cucumber, but gave the other monkey grapes as a reward. Capuchins like cucumbers, but they love grapes. When the one monkey saw the other monkey getting grapes, she got incensed, refused to hand over the rock and the cucumber back in the researcher’s face.
This experiment has now been replicated with dogs, birds, and chimps. It seems as though many animals, including our close genetic relatives, have an instinctual sense of justice. While we can be happy with what we’ve got if we don’t see anyone else with more, we get enraged and upset if we think someone else is getting something better. Suddenly, our cucumbers, which tasted fine before, turn to shit and aren’t even worth eating.
Thankfully, we are humans and can rise above our animal instincts. And we should! Jealousy is really bad for us! The cucumber-eating monkey is much worse off because of her jealousy. She was perfectly happy with the cucumber, but once she became jealous, it drove her mad. Don’t be like this!
This is such a Dad thing to say, but when you’re deciding if you like an outcome, the question should be whether you’re getting what you want, not what anyone else is getting. As our parents all told us, life is unfair. You’re never going to have as much as the person who has the most. That doesn’t mean anything is wrong. The question is whether you have enough. If you do, then it’s fine if someone else has more.
This applies to all areas of life. A lot of our politics are fucked up because a large segment of the populace can’t stand inequality, even when it’s justified. A lot of how we have relationships is fucked up because we see jealousy as necessary and virtuous. A lot of how we live our lives is fucked up because we can’t stand for our neighbors to have anything we don’t. A lot of us would seemingly prefer to live in the Harrison Bergeron world where everyone is equal because nobody is allowed to be exceptional.
Don’t let your monkey brain win this one. Jealousy is corrosive and it will eat everything good in your life if you let it. Get your grapes when you can, but when you can’t, just eat the cucumber and be happy that someone is getting grapes. Getting angry because the other monkey has a better snack only sabotages yourself.