National Parks Are Amazing

The following is the transcript of my troop deployment (i.e. ending rant) from episode 92 of my news podcast The Mind Killer. If you like it, please consider subscribing to the podcast

Probably the worst casualty of the looming government shutdown will be the National Park Service. I’m usually no fan of the government doing things, but national parks are an exception. During the 2013 shutdown, the NPS closed all the parks, which sucked for everyone. They took so much shit for it that during the 2018 shutdown, the Trump administrations just said “fuck it” and let everyone into the parks with like 5% of the usual staff. That meant there was nobody to maintain trails, empty the trash, prevent overcrowding, or provide timely medical care when people were injured.

But the biggest problems, as usual, were assholes. Figuratively, assholes caused problems by breaking shit, most notably at Joshua Tree National Park, where a bunch of jerks sprayed graffiti, drove their trucks all over the park, and even cut down the fucking trees. You know, the trees that are the whole point of the park? And similar things happened at all of the other parks, including throwing trash everywhere, irresponsibly feeding the wildlife, and a few genuine turf wars where different families tried to claim the same camping spot. 

Literally, assholes caused problems by filling up all the toilets, and there was no staff to empty them. Pretty much all of our national parks ended up covered in human excrement. 

This is especially meaningful to me because I just got back from Colorado, and I had a chance to visit Rocky Mountain National Park, which is just breathtaking. If you’ve never been, I highly recommend checking it out. The Rocky Mountains are like nothing else in the country. It’s hard to believe you’re still in America. And honestly, Rocky Mountain is probably one of the less interesting national parks I’ve been to. The undisputed king is Yellowstone, which is literally on top of a supervolcano and feels like an alien landscape. It’s got crazy geysers, hot springs, sulfur deposits, and bubbling mud pits, not to mention bison, pronghorn, moose, wolves, and bears. Last time I was there, we even saw a group of baby badgers! Not quite as impressive, but still pretty impressive are Yosemite, the Badlands, the Great Smoky Mountains, Grand Teton, Shenandoah, Acadia, and probably all of the other ones that I haven’t been to (though not Mammoth Caves, that one is fucked up and bullshit).

So by all means, if they leave the parks open during the shutdown, go take advantage of free and unrestricted admission, but don’t be an asshole. Preserving these parks is probably the most unalloyed good the US government has ever done. Go appreciate it, but don’t fuck it up.