President Trump, You Can Solve Climate Change!
The following is the transcript of my closing editorial from episode 122 of my news podcast The Mind Killer. If you like it, please consider subscribing to the podcast
Dear once and future President Trump,
It’s no secret that I did not support your reelection. One of the reasons was that I find you reckless and impulsive, prone to big, flashy spectacles that you can boast about, and bored by the real work of improving things - what Matt Yglesias calls the slow boring of hard boards. Those are not good qualities of a person in charge of the nuclear codes. However, being reckless isn’t always bad, especially if everyone else is far too cautious and slow moving. The motto “move fast and break things” is a bit part of how Facebook was able to grow so large. Your new best friend Elon Musk has achieved great success by doing things other companies were far too afraid to do.
So Mr. Trump, I present to you the biggest, flashiest, most amazing thing you can do: you can solve climate change. There’s a process called stratospheric aerosol injection. It involves releasing sulfur dioxide into the Earth’s atmosphere to reflect sunlight and cool the Earth. We know it works because volcanos do it naturally, and there’s good evidence that we’ve seen increased temperatures due to ships emitting less sulfur dioxide. The only reason we’re not doing it now are pesky concerns like “possible ozone depletion” or “unexpected side effects” - nothing that should trouble a man of your bold vision. And actually there is a company doing it right now called Make Sunsets. According to their website, stratospheric aerosol injection could cool the Earth, reduce extreme weather events, and - I want to be very clear that this is a direct quote - it “has what plants crave.”
Joe Biden and Kamala Harris would never do this because they’re losers and cowards. They think we should solve climate change by destroying our economy and lowering our quality of life. They think it’s cheating if we’re not punished for our hubris. Only you have the balls to take such decisive action and show the mastery of man over his environment.
Make Sunsets is raising money to fill balloons and pop them in the stratosphere, but balloons are for babies. You’re the commander-in-chief of the military! You’ve got planes, rockets, and an entire space force! You can get several volcano-loads of sulfur into the stratosphere with one phone call. And the best thing is, nobody can stop you! You can just order the military to do it. Hell, you don’t even need to tell Congress. Just say it’s a national security issue, classify the whole project, and have the CIA do it in secret. Then if something unexpected happens you can just blame China or illegal immigrants or whatever.
Imagine seeing all the climate scientists freaking out as the temperature starts falling and they have no idea why. Imagine them trying to explain it as some effect of cutting carbon emissions, and how this obviously mean we need to cut carbon emission even more. Imagine how stupid they’ll look when you reveal it was you.
But most of all, imagine the headlines: “Donald Trump Solves Climate Change!” With a subtitle “progressives in tears after it turns out the need to cut carbon emissions really was a hoax.” Or how about the headline “Donald Trump owns the libs by showing how stupid all of their climate worries are.” Or what about “Donald Trump Saves the World over the objections of Democratic cucks.”
Climate change has been the Democrat party’s biggest bogeyman since Al Gore discovered PowerPoint in 2005. Imagine if you were the one to fix it, at low cost, without inconveniencing anyone. The Democrats would be totally destroyed. You can do this. It’s up to you.