The following is the transcript of my closing editorial from episode 146 of my news podcast The Mind Killer. If you like it, please consider subscribing to the podcast
The usual dating advice tells people to cultivate an “abundance mindset.” It’s a way of encouraging people to take rejection gracefully because there are, as they say, plenty of fish in the sea. Each individual connection is low-stakes because there are lots of lots of potential dates out there.
For some people, maybe that’s true, but for more discerning people it doesn’t really work that way. Personally, there just aren’t that many people out there I can date. Once you get past the ordinary criteria like age, sex, and location, I’m only interested in dating people who are nonmonogamous and not looking for a primary. I also won’t date anyone who believes that dating or sex comes with extra unspoken obligations. She has to share my sense of humor, at least somewhat. She has to value honesty, reason, and equanimity. She has to be brave and independent. We have to be attracted to each other. We have to admire one another.
Those women are not abundant! I’d say they are one in a million, but that’s probably far too high of a ratio. When I meet someone who is a good match for me, I do not try to manufacture an abundance mindset. I know how special she is.
You might argue that this is personal to me, and that most people have a much bigger dating pool, but I’m skeptical. Doesn’t everyone want to date people who share their values and fit with their lifestyle? Monogamous people start with a larger dating pool, but the stakes are even higher if you’re looking for one person to exclusively be with forever. In that circumstance, it’s important to be even pickier about compatibility.
My advice is to adopt the opposite of an abundance mindset. Realize how scarce your best matches are, so don’t assume any potential partner is a good match until you actually know. Don’t invest a lot of your hopes and dreams in someone until you get to know them and find out if they’re truly a good match. That will do the main job of abundance mindset, which is to prevent you from being desperate, but it also has the benefit of being accurate.
The other benefit of adopting a rational scarcity mindset is that it lets your partners know how special they are. Few people find it inspiring to be with someone who views them as just one of many interchangeable options. People want to be with someone who recognizes and appreciates what they uniquely bring to the table. We all want to be loved for the things that make us who we are. Don’t trick yourself into developing an attitude that communicates the opposite.