This is the B-Movie of "Scientific" Theories

A few people on my Facebook news have shared this "article" and I really want to thank them for it because WOW! It's hysterical and I laughed and laughed. The people who shared it, shared it with a great deal of anger and ranting. But I say "bullocks!" to that because it's way more fun to relentlessly make fun of it.

Is sarcastic mockery an example of positive thinking? See, I know that it makes me happy to have opportunities like this, much like I experience glee when attending a high budget movie that's bound to be terrible and fails to disappoint. Last weekend, several of us went to see The Legend of Hercules in 3D and I doubled over in laughter for most of the film, mainly due to the excessive use of slow motion effects on mud splatter and how the movie would have only been slightly more ridiculous had there been a caption during "character and relationship development" scenes saying, "HEY. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO CARE ABOUT THESE PEOPLE. BETTER GET TO CARING, BITCHEZ!" But alas, there was no informative caption. Luckily for everyone sitting around me in the theater, I provided the necessary commentary. Periodically I would say, "Wow, I am really invested in these characters. FOR REAL." I think I gave a convincing performance.

What I'm saying is that one of my favorite pastimes is laughing at moronic garbage dressed up as Art or Cinema or, most of all, Science. So I'm pretty happy to have been directed to an article that says stuff like,

Dr. Masaru Emoto, a researcher and alternative healer from Japan has given the world a good deal of evidence of the magic of positive thinking. He became famous when his water molecule experiments featured in the 2004 film, What The Bleep Do We Know? His experiments demonstrate that human thoughts and intentions can alter physical reality, such as the molecular structure of water. Given that humans are comprised of at least 60% water, his discovery has far reaching implications… can anyone really afford to have negative thoughts or intentions?

And has this really informative explanation of his "snowflake experiment":

So, the article is about his "rice experiment", wherein he labeled jars of cooked rice, each with either a "positive" sentiment like, "You are an awesome grain and I really enjoy making pudding out of you" or a "negative" sentiment like, "Hey, fuck you. You've got nothing on barley. BARLEY 4EVA, RICE NEVA". He did this in a school or something and told the kids to say whatever sentiment was written on the jar to the jar every time they passed it by. And then science happened and the rice inside the forsaken negative jar grew mold and the rice in the happy fun time jar remained unmarred.

Welp, that proves it I guess. Seeing as this changes everything we think about the world, I think it's time that we reexamine the concept of spontaneous generation. Sure, sure, Pasteur did a shit ton of work to teach everyone that hunks of beef did not, in fact, conjure flies because they were annoyed at being left to rot on a table. Instead, he proved that hunks of beef probably already have bugs in them. YUM! Good thing humans have the use of fire and learned how to cook their bug infested beef, amirite? THANKS, PROMETHEUS! Sorry about the whole liver thing though. Does it help if I say you died for our flaming sins? No? That just makes it worse...Well...um...I think I left something in my car...

...vrooooooom...

Anyway, so yeah, negative thoughts make rice go bad and I assume that flies appear because, to quote Shaun, you touch yourself at night.

The best part of this article is the lively "debate" happening in the comments. One of the believers makes an inane statement about how beautiful snowflakes are. Another person tries to make a big scientific sounding claim about how obviously we can control the formation of ice crystals with our minds because they have a very loose understanding of quantum mechanics! And all us skeptics are just a bunch of negative Neds who will be able to only produce ugly, toxic ANGER SNOW. I mean, think about it: Your mind is a collection of electrical signals and shit, right? Electricity is made of moving electrons and stuff. Everything else in the world is made of that too! So, ipso facto, e pluribus unum, pisca es a patina, because you're conscious of your mind ('cause consciousness and minds are totes separate things), you can will the objects around you! Probably also the weather! This rice stuff has revealed a great secret to life.

Maybe I should write a book about it.

Wait...Damn. Someone already beat me to it. Fine. How about I just commercialize Anger Snow. I'm pretty sure it would be Gak or Floam. Mental note: Email Nickelodeon.

Also, my head hurts now. And I've survived three terms of physical chemistry and one term of quantum mechanics. My head never hurt this much EVEN THEN. Shit, all the rice around me is rotting. I'm being too much of an asshole about this...

...

Why is there all this rice here?

Must be Friday.

I THINK IT'S TIME TO GO HOME.